Jokes of the Week

Top 9 Reasons
Ben & Jerry
aren't getting along:

9 Ben didn't like Jerry's new ice cream flavor named in honor of Governor Sarah Palin called Hockey Mum Plum. 8 Jerry snuck out during lunch break and let the air out of the tires on Ben's '68 VW Bus. 7 Ben keeps playing reruns of "Mod Squad" during sales training meetings. 6 Jerry poured his tie-die ink in the company hot tub to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Woodstock. 5 Ben wanted to take the company a "green" direction with edible pint size containers made of whey, rye, broccoli and sprouts. 4 Jerry hid all of Ben's Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young records behind the milking machines. 3 In attempt to appeal to truck drivers, Ben suggested a new licorice flavor served in gallon-size containers call Nascar Tar. 2 Jerry wanted to move their office from Vermont to the Bahamas so he could be near the boyhood home of Bob Marley. 1 Ben caught Jerry eating at a Dairy Queen and started yelling "traitor, traitor, traitor!"

Contagious

A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious." "Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?" "We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" "No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."

Negative Words

The counselor was giving advice: To gain self-confidence, you must avoid using negative words, such as "can't" and "not." Do you think you can do that? The young man responded: Well, I can't see why not.

The Deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

Consumer Announcement:

GM is proud to announce their new environmentally friendly sedan for 2010 called the Chevy "Zap". A joint venture with the "Invisible Fence" company. The driver receives a gentle 5 amp shock anytime he accelerates. Designers anticipate that over time, operators will see dramatic improvements in mileage as they attempt to coast everywhere.